Tales of the Midnight Skulker

Waiting in Ambush in Yosemite - photo by JoAnn Sturman

A Lesson in Dealing with ‘Difficult’ People

By Steven R. Oberst

Prologue

Admit it! You have encountered ‘difficult’ people in your life. People who drove you to daydream about ways they would get what is coming to them. However, if you are like me, your daydreams are seldom realized.

The latest fantasy popped into my brain after hours of trying to get my boss to understand the difference between leadership and micro-management. Unable to understand the concepts of building trust and teamwork, he has become the typical lousy boss that so many of us have had to deal with in our work lives. My fantasy is a new dot com company, hire-a-bleep.com, that handles the careers of ‘difficult’ people like him. Imagine a website where these people can post their resumes under such hiring categories as: Lousy Boss; Shirker; Bigot; Creep; Backstabber; Moron; or my favorite, the multitasking person with all of the above abilities.

There was a time in my life when someone actually went beyond daydreams or fantasies and made sure that ‘difficult’ people paid for their deeds.

Enter the Midnight Skulker

It was over 40 years ago, during my 2nd Class year at the Air Force Academy, when I first found out about the Midnight Skulker. As it happened, I started that year with a new dorm roommate, 2nd Class Cadet TM. TM was a likable guy. He was highly intelligent, but did not care much for military discipline. TM had thick red hair that grew really fast. If he got a haircut in the afternoon, it looked like he needed another one by the next morning. Needless to say, TM drew the attention of the cadets among us with a penchant for military discipline. As a result, TM was a frequent resident of our room on weekends as punishment for his lack of military discipline. He also achieved ‘expert’ status marching tours with an M-1 rifle.

Early that first semester as TM’s roommate, I observed he would frequently disappear in the middle of the night for a couple of hours. One such night I decided to follow him. His first stop was the restroom. He emerged minutes later dressed completely in black, complete with ski mask. I tried to follow, but lost him when he descended into the tunnels below our dorm area. The next day I confronted him about what I had seen, “TM, what in the hell are you doing in the middle of the night?”


Confessions of a Skulker

Instead of evading my question, TM genuinely seemed relieved and told me the following story:
During my 4th Class year I discovered this wonderful network of tunnels below the dorms that goes everywhere throughout the Academy. When we moved to the new dorms our 3rd Class year, I explored even more access points into and out of these tunnels. But, it wasn’t until later during the year when that prick Cadet Morris [Author’s note: back then we were not aware of politically correct terminology, so people that I now refer to as ‘difficult’ were often referred to then as pricks, assholes, backstabbing SOBs, or by a variety of other expletive word combinations.] wrote me up for needing a shoeshine and haircut, that the true value of the tunnels came to me. During the day, I was helpless to do anything about people like Morris, but at night I could use the tunnels to exact revenge.  So, I created the Midnight Skulker. My first mission was simple – sneak into Morris’ room and fill his shoes and boots with shaving cream. Ahhh, the satisfaction of that first mission when I heard Morris scream out in anger as he donned his shoes the next morning. The Skulker has had several successful missions, but it is getting harder and harder to avoid detection. Last week the Green Onion nearly caught me coming up the southeast stairwell. Now that you know about the Skulker, you can help by being my lookout.

Skulker Missions

And so my life as an accomplice to the Midnight Skulker began. Our room was right by a stairwell, so it was easy for me to use it as an observation point while the Skulker was at work handling ‘difficult’ people. Over the next two years until graduation, numerous missions were successfully conducted. Although there were many close calls, neither the Skulker nor his faithful lookout were ever caught. I should note that during the filming of these missions no person or animal was injured (unless you count the time Wally K slipped on the shaving cream covering his dorm room floor).
I am sworn to secrecy as regards certain tactical attack methods and weapons that were used. One particular attack on Cadet Group Commander Maple was so ingenious, that to reveal it fully would put many ‘difficult’ people at risk today. Let’s just say that old Maple probably still avoids warm water after dark.

Simple tools such as water balloons, cleansing powder, bottle rockets, and shaving cream were readily available. It was considered a double bonus if the attack also caused the attackee further difficulty beyond the attack itself. Imagine the Skulker’s satisfaction as he walked a Saturday tour on the terrazzo, while knowing that Cadet JT was sitting in his room serving a punishment for being late to class – it seems the poor guy could not find any clothes when he awoke one morning. They were subsequently found stuffed in a big laundry bag hanging from the front of the F-105 on the terrazzo.
The Skulker kept a list of targets. One rule was to never hit a target immediately after they had wronged you. Let’s face it, if someone wrote TM up for needing a haircut on a Wednesday afternoon, an attack that night would be imprudent. So, after targets were identified, the mission was planned for several days or even weeks later. Unfortunately, I think the Skulker still had target names left on this list when we graduated.

USAFA Class of ’72 Reunion Note

Perhaps you think that you now know who the Midnight Skulker is and now plan to confront some classmate with thick red hair, unpolished shoes and a lack of military discipline at the ’72 Reunion in October. Good luck – most of us no longer have thick hair (or any at all for that matter, or any color other than gray). Besides, what if I threw out the honor code and lied about his hair color? Further, who polishes sandals? And finally, most of our sixty something classmates have too much gut to suck in, which throws any vision of the appearance of military discipline out the window. 
Anyway, I doubt the Skulker will show up for the reunion; however, if you are one of the ‘difficult’ people still on his list, I’d suggest you plan to sleep with one eye open, just in case. There aren’t any tunnels under the Marriott, are there?