Goon Squad

Southern Right Whale at Peninsula Valdes, Argentina - photo by JoAnn Sturman

W.R. Priskna
fliesinyoureyes.com

“How many pancakes did you just eat, Priskna?” the table commandant roared.

“I ate almost two, sir!” I responded.

“You’re a glutton, Priskna. Your classmates are starving while you are stuffing your face. Why don’t you pick someone to sit up and stop eating while you feed that skinny body of yours? Who will it be, Dip Wad? Pick someone now!”

In the Air Force Academy’s initial years hazing was commonplace, and there was no better way to control a Fourth Class Cadet than to restrict his food intake. The official AFA catalogue informed perspective cadets and reassured their parents that freshmen or Doolies would be served 5000 calories a day at breakfast, lunch, and dinner in the dining hall. What it did not say was a new cadet may be served 5000 calories, but he didn’t necessarily get to eat them.

Nearly all of us Basic Cadets were in our late teens and throughout this period of training subjected to intense physical activity from reveille to taps, so appetites were never satisfied. The only available food source was the family style meal served at ten seat tables in Mitchell Hall, the cadet dinning hall, where 4000 cadets could be served in 30 minutes. The seating arrangement at these tables during basic training consisted of hyper vigilant upperclassmen and starving Basic Cadets.

During the meal, Basic Cadets were required to sit at rigid attention and stare at their plates. They could not speak or eat unless an upperclassman instructed them to do so. Waiters brought food to the tables on large dishes or platters, then the cadets passed them around the table family style. Typically a Basic Cadet was allowed to pile heaps of food on his plate, but being allowed to consume even a morsel was another matter. Once commanded to eat, the Basic Cadets were required to “square their meals.” The fork or spoon retrieved a portion of food, lifted it vertically to mouth level, and finally directed it horizontally to the salivating orifice. After the food was placed in the mouth, the utensil followed the same route back to the plate where it was laid before repeating the process. Painstaking as this appears, one was allowed to chew only three times before swallowing.

As one can imagine, it was very easy to screw up when negotiating these maneuvers. At the slightest provocation, an upperclassman could interrupt the meal and tell the Basic Cadet to “pass in his plate” and spend the rest of meal looking at the empty space where the plate had rested or yelling answers at the top of his lungs to an upperclassman’s abstruse questions. I seemed to have more trouble than most and quickly was branded as a “tie up” for my penchant for never getting it right.

Everyone lost weight during Basic Summer, and food was constantly on the mind. As I slimmed down from an initially robust 140 pounds to 125 pounds, the second pancake was irresistible. Cadet First Class Dawkins, the Table Commandant, was aware of every nuance in his fiefdom, so observing my indulgence led to an apoplectic tirade about my insatiable appetite. This provoked him to use the cruelest technique to punish a Basic Cadet: I could continue to eat the second pancake, but I would have to pick one of my classmates to watch me eat it. In the process the selectee would have to pass in his plate and miss his meal.

“Answer me, Squat! Are you deaf? Pick someone now or nobody eats, and you’re going to the Goon Squad!”

The Goon Squad was a lousy place to be for a Basic Cadet. Members were transferred from the normally demanding physical education activities and given a more intense regimen. This generally entailed running for long distances over difficult terrain, carrying heavy loads, and performing calisthenics until collapsing from exhaustion, puking one’s guts out, or both. The sessions could continue for an unspecified period of time until the recalcitrant’s attitude improved.

The Goon Squad leader also happened to be next year’s Deputy Wing Commander. Maybe he was a good guy in real life, but I despised him instantly. I bristled at his self righteousness, and how he equated my second pancake with a selfish disregard for my classmates’ welfare and undermining the war effort in Vietnam. In my mind it was not so complex. Like all of my classmates I was ravenously hungry. There was an abundance of pancakes on the platter, and my tormenters distorted the details of the situation to give them an excuse to embarrass and make me miserable.

It’s hard to look good on the Goon Squad, but that day my adrenal glands squeezed every last bit of cortisol and epinephrine from their tiny cells. Throughout that hot summer day, they tried to break me and fellow “gooners” by making us run wind sprints up and down steep hills and participate in strenuous exercises which were taxing and unpleasant. At the end of the session I had done all that was demanded, but the commander ordered me to stand at attention at the top of a hill while he rebuked me.

“Your a pussy, Priskna. Why don’t you race me back to the cadet area? If you beat me, you’ll be off Goon Squad.”

The odds didn’t look too good, since he was a member of the intercollegiate cross country team, and his buddies gave him a head start down the long hill. I couldn’t catch him, but I almost did. I was driven by unmitigated hate. While careening through the bushes, all I wanted to do was grab his neck with my pencil thin arms and squeeze the life out of him.

When I met him at the bottom of the hill, he praised my performance. “This is your first and last day on Goon Squad, Priskna. I was told you would give up, but you surprised all of us.”

Despite fatigue and abuse from the upperclassmen, I felt a new sense of self confidence and toughness that would be necessary to survive at a military academy. Adversity is a pain in the ass but not without its benefits, if it can be used as a tool to strengthen those who have never been tested. Since Basic Cadets are subjected intentionally to unremitting pressure to determine if they will quit or meet the challenge, it is a mistake to take the system too personally.