Chapter 6 THE Forum

Mosque in Cairo - photo by JoAnn Sturman

by S.R. Oberst

Following THE Trip, I returned to my home base, while Charlie spent two weeks grounded in Tucson with a torn eardrum. The first morning back at work I got a phone call from Charlie. “What have you said about THE Trip?” he barked.

“Nothing.” I replied, “At least not yet, I just got to work.”

“Well, you be careful about what you say if you know what’s good for you,” Charlie whispered. “I was sick and injured my ear. Besides, nothing happened on THE Trip worth reporting to the boss.”

It was time to think like Charlie, so I calmly replied, “Charlie, I think more than nothing happened on THE Trip, and I won’t lie to cover up what happened. However, I have no plans to say anything to Colonel McMellow about THE Trip, provided you agree to one thing.”

There was a long pause on the phone. Charlie clearly was caught off-guard. “What?” he croaked.

“It’s pretty simple, Charlie,” I replied. “You agree to never schedule yourself for another cross country trip with any pilot in this unit.”

After another long pause, Charlie mumbled what I took to be an agreement with my condition. Feeling I was on a roll, I decided to have a little fun at Charlie’s expense. Charlie held all enlisted people with disdain, and would never voluntarily give them anything, so I added, “Oh, and by the way, I already spoke with Sergeant Topper, and he is keeping details of THE Trip to himself. He wants me to thank you for the keg of beer you are providing for the maintenance unit party at the end of this month.” With that our conversation ended.

On the first day back from THE Trip I turned in the flight records. On the last leg I credited Charlie with AC time (alternate crew member) instead of CP (copilot) time. I logged FP (First Pilot) time. This seemed fitting since Charlie slept off his hangover in the back of the helicopter during this phase of the flight. I was shocked when I opened up the MAC Flyer, a monthly safety magazine published by the Military Airlift Command, the forerunner to today’s Air Mobility Command. On the page giving kudos to crews who had executed successful emergency landings was a short article about our lost hydraulics landing. In the article Charlie was listed as the aircraft commander, and I was listed as a crew member for the emergency landing at Davis Monthan Air Force Base. Somebody at MAC headquarters assumed AC meant Aircraft Commander, or more probably Charlie made one of his infamous phone calls. Needless to say, Charlie never tried to set the record straight, so he was officially credited with an emergency landing, albeit, one achieved without access to the flight controls.

More Unleadership Insight:

As stated previously, one common trait of Un-Leaders, is to always take credit for everything they can for their own personal advancement. Charlie extended this to being willing to take credit for something even if no credit was due. The fact that he slept through the entire emergency in the back of the helicopter was probably an irrelevant detail in his mind.

My agreement with Charlie was to never say anything to our Unit Commander, Lieutenant Colonel McMellow; however, it did not mean I could not share my adventures with my fellow pilots. So, the next Friday night at the Officers’ Club, I did a lot of sharing. After considerable laughter about Charlie’s antics and the colorful Hawaiian shirt, I noticed that Captain Tom Triffick was looking intently at his beer with a big grin on his face. I’d known Tom long enough to know his devious mind was cooking up some scheme to further undo Charlie the Un-Leader.

“Hey guys,” Tom said excitedly. “If Charlie is so enthralled with letters written to adult magazines, let’s start our own letter writing campaign. We’ll make up ridiculous stories about Charlie’s sexual exploits and send them to his favorite adult magazine.”

At first we were all skeptical of this idea, but after the second round of beer, we began to see the light. Soon, Tom was scribbling story ideas on a napkin. He became the unofficial author, and the rest of us served as editors. The first story, of course, detailed an encounter with a sex goddess named Wanda. It dealt with Charlie’s incredible staying power and ability to get it up over and over again. Within a week Tom had the story completed, and it was mailed to the magazine’s reader section known as THE Forum under the pseudonym “Big Charlie.”

One morning the next month Tom announced an important meeting at the O’Club that night. When most of the pilots arrived, Tom produced a copy of the adult magazine with THE Forum section. There in black and white was an unedited version of our letter. Cheers and uncontrolled laughter followed.

With this success under our belts, the letter writing campaign continued each month with a new letter from Big Charlie. By the third month, Big Charlie had generated such reader interest that letters from other readers began appearing referencing earlier Big Charlie stories. Tom challenged us to keep providing story ideas and and we gladly did so. From a south of the border frolic with Juanita to an orgasmic picnic lunch involving ants and honey, we concocted the kinkiest stories one can imagine. The campaign continued for the next nine months.

Undoubtedly Charlie was reading the same stories every month, probably out loud to his wife. As far as I know he never had a clue that he was Big Charlie. How did this practical joke benefit our group of pilots, since the target never knew he was the butt of the joke ?

Imagine the meanest, most condescending, obnoxious, immoral, unreasonable supervisor you have ever known - Charlie. Now imagine every time you encounter this supervisor performing Un-Leadership at its best, you think about Wanda or Juanita, or whoever. You won’t be able to stop smiling, if not outwardly at least inwardly. For twelve pilots dealing with Charlie became more bearable because we found humor at his expense. Yes, laughter is the best medicine for dealing with Un-Leaders.

But every good joke has an ending, and Charlie’s reign of terror was running out of time.